The Christmas Train (2017)
Every Christmas, the Hallmark channel comes out with a fresh line-up of Christmas movies that play all day every day from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day. There’s a sprinkling of really great ones mixed in among the mediocre ones that are tolerated because of the spirit of the season. And every once in a while, there’s a movie so putrid you’ll either turn it off or wish you had once it’s over. Unfortunately for Hallmark, this year’s all-star film that received the majority of the publicity and advertising is by far the worst corny Christmas movie I’ve ever seen. And I watch every Christmas movie I can get my hands on.
The incredibly handsome Dermot Mulroney takes a train from Chicago to Los Angeles, and the moment he arrives at the station, his fellow passengers start acting incredibly weird. They’re all introducing themselves, telling him their life stories and asking about his, and doling out clichés like Halloween candy. The lighting on the train is overexposed, adding to the already ominous aura; I actually considered turning the film off because I was convinced the train was full of dead people and they were escorting Dermot to Heaven—that’s how not-normal the film felt.
As incredibly handsome as Dermot Mulroney is—and trust me, you’ll be tempted to keep watching the movie just to keep staring at him—his gorgeous mug isn’t enough to even remotely save the movie. And as bad as I feel for him for being forced into taking this role, I feel worse for Danny Glover. He was in The Color Purple, and now he’s been reduced to playing an eccentric film director in the worst Hallmark Christmas movie ever made? Shirley MacLaine starred in Hallmark’s A Heavenly Christmas last year, so it isn’t unheard of that big names flock to Hallmark during the holidays, but The Christmas Train is so awful it almost defies description.
Every corny, tooth-aching cliché you can think of is included in the script, and there’s even a few included that I’d never heard before—and I sincerely hope I’ll never have to hear them again. Literally every single line of dialogue and plot point is terrible, from the first scene to the last images before the end credits. Even if you’re desperately in love with Dermot Mulroney—and I can’t imagine you loving him more than I do—do not watch this movie unless you want to start hating Christmas movies.
More Christmas movies here!
More Danny Glover movies here!
The incredibly handsome Dermot Mulroney takes a train from Chicago to Los Angeles, and the moment he arrives at the station, his fellow passengers start acting incredibly weird. They’re all introducing themselves, telling him their life stories and asking about his, and doling out clichés like Halloween candy. The lighting on the train is overexposed, adding to the already ominous aura; I actually considered turning the film off because I was convinced the train was full of dead people and they were escorting Dermot to Heaven—that’s how not-normal the film felt.
As incredibly handsome as Dermot Mulroney is—and trust me, you’ll be tempted to keep watching the movie just to keep staring at him—his gorgeous mug isn’t enough to even remotely save the movie. And as bad as I feel for him for being forced into taking this role, I feel worse for Danny Glover. He was in The Color Purple, and now he’s been reduced to playing an eccentric film director in the worst Hallmark Christmas movie ever made? Shirley MacLaine starred in Hallmark’s A Heavenly Christmas last year, so it isn’t unheard of that big names flock to Hallmark during the holidays, but The Christmas Train is so awful it almost defies description.
Every corny, tooth-aching cliché you can think of is included in the script, and there’s even a few included that I’d never heard before—and I sincerely hope I’ll never have to hear them again. Literally every single line of dialogue and plot point is terrible, from the first scene to the last images before the end credits. Even if you’re desperately in love with Dermot Mulroney—and I can’t imagine you loving him more than I do—do not watch this movie unless you want to start hating Christmas movies.
More Christmas movies here!
More Danny Glover movies here!